Tag Archives: THE END

ZOMBIE 101:THINK YOU WILL SURVIVE


Considering that ye’ people of little faith still refuse to take heed to my srvival lessons in the event of a ZOMBIE OUTBREAK, i  hall still be that voice in the wild,preaching what the ALL-KNOWING TUBE a.k.a THE T.V , and my fellow Ramblers who are deemed crazy weeeeeeeeeeeeeell SHAME ON YOU,i dare you to watch Cabin In the Woods and tell me which character survives and am not talking about the Chick(who btw i still think survived on luck :p)

So now that am done venting here are some tips with visual aides to help the message sink in a bit better

FOR MORE RULES VISIT:http://www.zombielandrules.com

SURVIVING ZOMBIELAND

Ofcourse you have to be fit,how else do you think you are going to outrun those skinny zombies when you can’t even walk to the fridge?

The only sure way to make sure a Zombie is dead is shoot it in the head….then shoot it again just to be safe…

There is nothing as bad as being caught in you most vulnerable state where your defenses are down and that is why sometimes irregular bowel movements in the wrong place might just get you killed…

Hey am not saying you be chum-buddies with the psychopath,just tag along with him coz chances of your survival are high considering shooting stuff is this guy’s hobby and as such zombie land is this guy’s ultimate theme park

For those scenarios you forget to follow rule 31(The one bellow) its always good to wear a seat-belt so that you can use an accident to your advantage and let the zombie go flying through your windshield…yeah sounds like a plan right?

Somehow people easily forget this rule coz they are in a hurry to get away from some other zombies,so when you get into a vehicle why not check the backseat just in-case there was a zombie just chilling there,trying to catch a break from all that raw meat eating…

Again i say,you NEED to be FIT,so before you venture to go search some new place that may have zombies how bout you warm up a bit coz am just thinking that maybe if you pull a hamstring at the wrong place you are officially Zombie chow..you dig?

Seriously as a grown adult, you need to understand that walking into a room with only one exit…is just plain DUMB,so when you decide you need to go look for food or some chick to save,how about first you figure out which exits you can use in-case you get chased by the Undead?

I repeat….DO NOT BE A HERO…that will just get you killed…how sure are you that while being that knight in shining armor,you wont get killed and this chick you just saved,survives and goes on to get knocked up by some soldier at the Survival Camp…ALL EFFORT WAS FOR NOTHING…

IGNORE THIS RULE…IGNORE!!IGNORE!!IGNORE!!

I think this one will be the hardest rule ever for the male species 😦

So basically i understood this rule to mean…STEAL THE STUFF YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED coz who knows when the next zombie season will be 🙂

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THE FLIP SIDE TO EVERY STORY


So basically these are stories about stuff you know you suspected but for the sake of being sane…lets just say those thoughts were better off left to remain ideas….so in my never ending quest to give you guys a laugh at my expense,i have searched the inter web once again for those many twisted ideas so as to give you retards a brief glimpse at a very “Creative”(though some of you prefer to call it “Twisted”) Mind..
ENJOY!!

STORY OF THE PIMPLE

STAR TREK: THE UNTOLD STORY

TODAY’S COMIC: HOW TO WIN A FIGHT?

2012:SURVIVING THE END OF THE WORLD


So you feel like living…

You may think I’m crazy, but probably not if you opened this post in the first place. Either way, I believe there is coming a time in the future where we are going to need to be just a little more self reliant than most of us are now. You might call that the apocalypse, or Armageddon, or tribulation, or just some bad times coming, like the current recession.  You may see that as a “Mad Max” like scenario, or a Roland Emmeric “2012” or “Day after Tomorrow” movie, or maybe it’s just a “Great Depression” type situation. Either way, the good times may come to an end real soon. We need to learn to be survivors, and learn how to survive the end times.

Let’s be clear – we’re talking about taking control of your own destiny whether you live or die. Right now most of us live with the false belief that someone (mostly the government) will always be there to provide our food, water, shelter, health – we are passive animals in a pen waiting for our daily feeding. It seems impossible to think that the police won’t always be there to protect us, or that you might not always be able to drive down to subway for a sandwich if you get hungry. But even if that time doesn’t come – do you want to be in control of your life, or let others dictate it’s terms? Personally, I couldn’t bear it if I didn’t feel I was prepared to handle any situation that arose – with only my family and friends as help.

Are you prepared mentally or physically? I know it’s not practical to dig yourself a fallout shelter, or pack a year’s worth of food into your apartment. So what can you do? The short answer is – prepare your mind.

Step 1…

Start thinking like a survivor. I did this by consuming literature that had to do with the things I wanted to know and/or learn. There’s a lot out there, but your needs break down into three main things – FOOD, WATER, and SHELTER. Think about this – in an extended survival scenario (6 months to a year), how would you provide for each of those things? If the power went out, how would you heat your home? If there was no more food at the store, how would you feed yourself for that amount of time? If the water in the taps shut off, where would you get your water?

There are plenty of answers to these questions – millions probably – but only YOU know which one will work for you. So you’ve got to learn the options, and you’ve got to start immersing yourself in the ideas and thought process of survival.

A good place to start are the publications and/or books . They have a lot of practical advice and solutions for the things you might need to know how to do, like collecting rainwater, skinning animals, foraging plants, growing gardens from scratch, fishing without a pole…the amount of knowledge out there is endless. I recommend “Mother Earth News” and “Wilderness Way” for starters.

A few things you might consider purchasing…

Set of 2 - Full Tang Wood Handle Hunting Knife w/Gut Hook & Folder - Valor 3400, Knives Hunting
Amazon Price: $64.99
Light My Fire TinderDust
Amazon Price: $3.85
List Price: $3.99
When All Hell Breaks Loose: Stuff You Need To Survive When Disaster Strikes
Amazon Price: $10.91
List Price: $19.99
us canteen
Amazon Price: $150.00
Leatherman 830846 Skeletool Multitool
Amazon Price: Too low to display
List Price: $72.00
Coleman 1-Burner Dual Fuel Sporter II Liquid Fuel Stove
Amazon Price: $43.26
List Price: $49.99
Military Camo Color Assult Pack Hydration Pack Backpack Large Capacity 2.5 Liter (84oz) Bladder
Amazon Price: $199.99
9217 SurePak 12 MRE's- Meals ready to eat.
Amazon Price: $99.87

Step 2…

Train your mind, train your body, train your family. You don’t want to read and study and gain knowledge about how to survive on your own, but not have tried any of the things out yet when the ship goes down. Practice a little. Try making a fire in your backyard without matches. Try hunting a rabbit and skinning it. Practice canning and preserving food in jars instead of always relying on the freezer. That way you make the mistakes now, and can correct them when the situation arises. I remember trying to start a fire with flint and steel for the first time, and I chopped the dickens out of that flint, pretty much ruining it, before I got a good, steady long motion down that produced a lot of sparks. I got the fire lit, but the flint is in pretty bad shape. I’ll know better next time. That’s the kind of mistake you want to make while there still is a next time.

The fact is we aren’t training for a standard scenario – “what do you do when your boat is sinking?” – you can practice specific steps and actions for that. We don’t know what will be in short supply, what we will have and not be able to get…will it be a water shortage, gas shortage, electrical shortage…? Will we have sewer and/or septic usage? Will it be bad enough that looters go around, and we’ll need to protect ourselves from that? If you find that far fetched, go back and review the Katrina disaster. This stuff is already happening in places.

The only way to practice and prepare is to remember the three main tenets of survival – you need shelter, water, and food. How do you get those? That’s what you need to practice.

You might already be a pretty good fisherman. Great – that will help feed you if you’re near a water source. You might be a great hunter, but live in an area where you’d have to drive 50 miles before you saw any deer. That’s not going to help you if all the gas dries up. So start thinking about scenarios where you don’t have any of the luxury, and how would you provide for your three basic needs – FOOD, WATER, and SHELTER. There’s no right or wrong answer, you just have to think about it.

And then execute it, multiple times, with your family. You could be the rock of the family, cool under pressure, but if you have one family member who’s going to freak out that they have to go to the bathroom in a bucket because the sewer is shut down, you’d better start training them now. My family does “no lights” drills, where we live a day with no electricity. We do “stranger grabs you” drills with the kids. We try to get all of our food from the land for a day, and cook it over a fire. We try and make that part of our normal routine. Then it will still seem so when it really matters.

Hatchets are great

But if you have to have one tool, a machete can do much the same things.
But if you have to have one tool, a machete can do much the same things.

Different knives, different uses

A small, hidden knife for self defense, a medium sized, curved knife for skinning, and a larger Gurkha Kukri machete for clearing brush and cutting wood.
A small, hidden knife for self defense, a medium sized, curved knife for skinning, and a larger Gurkha Kukri machete for clearing brush and cutting wood.

Alternate projectile weapons

We don't think of slingshots anymore, but you can take down game with a rock if you have one, and it's a great thing to do with the kids.
We don’t think of slingshots anymore, but you can take down game with a rock if you have one, and it’s a great thing to do with the kids.

Step 3…

 A few pointers…

1) Start with shelter.  Learn how to make fire for yourself in any situation (the key to it is very small, dry tinder).  If you can make fire, you can provide warmth and shelter.

2) Next, find a local water source and practice drawing water out and purifying it by boiling, or using a chemical purifier.  The other option is setting up a rain catchment system at your house, basically just putting a large barrel at the downspout of your gutters (or wherever the water runs off a lot in one place at your house).

3) Last (because it’s what you can live the longest without) practice scrounging and hunting food for yourself.  If you’re not a hunter, practice cultivating vegetables in your backyard with no fertilizer.  Then try to preserve whatever food you get for the long haul by canning in a boiling bath canter or a pressure cooker.  This can be a tenuous task, so make sure and read all instructions when you do it.

4) Other skills to think about in the future, after you’ve covered the basics, are:  outdoor defecation and burying, cooking without spices, working without lights or heat, regulating temperature with clothing, navigating with a compass, preserving seeds for next year’s garden, animal husbandry…the list is endless.

Now get to work!

 Remember – it doesn’t matter if the world is going to change or not.  Even if things stay the same for the next 100 years, we still should be cultivating a world where the people are strong, self reliant, and capable of handling anything.  That is the legacy and skills we need to pass on to our children.  So get off the couch and get out there.  You owe it to yourself, your family, and your world.  And who knows – you might just have some fun doing it along the way!

How to…kill TIME :)


Have you ever felt like time was running to slow? Well that’s an excellent opportunity! You see time is usally going too fast for you to be able to catch. Now you can actaully catch it and you’re also able to kill time!

What if time isn’t running too slow?

Well there are numerous ways of slowing it down again. The two most popular ways are to either chill time down to the absolute zero making it stop completely or to get it close to a Black Hole which will slow it down significantly.

So… How to kill time?

To get started you’ll need some equipment, but don’t worry. If you live in the US all the following equipment can be found in your neighborhood supermarket.

So… What you really need:

  • 1 Really short Shotgun
  • 2 Uzis
  • 1 MP7 (MP5 might work as well but you’ll need a double sized mag for it)
  • 1 Machine Gun (Make sure that you scream and that you do not aim at all while using it. It is preferred that you run out of a jungle too…)
  • 1 Comfy chair
  • 1 Uncomfortable chair (Make sure that you place your own butt on the comfy chair and time in the other)
  • An infinite amount of ammo…
  • A pole made of wood, silver or frozen water

 Time to kill time

Did you get eveything you need? If no: What are you waiting for! Go get the stuff! If yes: What are you waiting for! Kill time! Oh… Thats right you don’t know how to do it yet.

First, place time in the uncomfortable chair for 30 minutes in 250 degrees Celsius. Load all your weapons with an infinite amount of ammo (If you use the MP5 make sure to use double amount of ammo) Now empty the guns in the following order:

  1. Machine Gun
  2. Shotgun
  3. MP7 (or MP5)
  4. Uzis’

Now… Pierce time through the heart with your pole! If you did everything correctly, time will now be killed.

Why would I want to kill time?

  • Why wouldn’t you!
  • No matter what you kill, it’s always fun!
  • Cause if you don’t… time will probably, most likely kill you!
  • To kill time (You get it? Huh? you get it? Why not? It’s funny

What to do when time is dead?

There is a lot of fun to do once time is dead. Since time is important for the laws of physics you will be able to BREAK them after time is killed. The following is a short summary of what to do:

  • Divide by zero
  • Skip School or job
  • Nothing, since you don’t have the time to do anything.
  • Everything except for anything, since you don’t have the time to do anything.
  • Make a funny HowTo page on Uncyclopedia.

Yepp… That’s pretty much it..