Tag Archives: humor

The Guide to Selfies for Men


By

Good evening gentleman. Do you feel like you’ve been doing a little too much self-reflecting these days?

1

The 15 Biggest Online Time Killers

Need to check your Facebook News Feed just one more time? Or see what people are listening to on YouTube? Want to check your email for the zillionth time? What’s the rage on Reddit right now? Are you still the highest bidder on that weird gizmo on eBay? Continue reading The Guide to Selfies for Men

Advertisements

VIDEO TROLL:WHAT THE FLULA


Yeah,yeah i know its been like a minute since i catered to your Humor Fix,but hey its a new post right?

Well,anyway,so as i browse through the magnanimous world of YouTube i cant help but find most of the craziest,weirdest and funniest stuff better than the crap on telly…and what do i go and do…yes! I SHARE THEM WITH YOU…am i not like the coolest friend who you don’t know but feel like is a cool person…well, I AM NOT…i just do this out of boredom…Okay,before y’all decide to boycott the blog let me share :p

WHAT THE FLULA?

(So i would hazard(no relation – hahaha i crack myself up) to guess that this is like a quick synopsis of the game of thrones but funny)

GAME OF THRONES S3-EP1

Game of Thrones S3-EP2

Game of Thrones S3-EP3

For more(it’s not like i was going to deny this dude his traffic :P) visit:

http://www.youtube.com/user/djflula

http://www.youtube.com/user/MachinimaETC/videos

SANTA HATES POOR KIDS


“Santa Hates Poor Kids”

I really hate it that my family’s poor! I really wish I was a rich kid.
’Cause they always get all the pimped gifts for Christmas.
Did I get a new Xbox? Fat chance!
While Billy gets a new pony and a lap dance.
Plus a tree house mansion and a jet ski.
How the hell did he get a pterodactyl? Gets me!
I thought Christmas was awesome, on and poppin.
’Till Jan got a slave and Google stock options.
And I don’t think you understand how it feels.
To see another kid roll up in his Bentley Power Wheels like:
“Look at my new ride; Santa just bought it.
He didn’t get you nothing ‘cause your mom’s an alcoholic.”
He’s right I got some underwear used by my brother.
I’m like Oliver Twist, “Please may I have another?”
I opened up a present, and found an eviction notice!
Man, fuck you Santa! We’re spending Christmas with the homeless!

[Chorus]
Santa must hate the poor kids.
‘Cause Santa only hangs with the rich, come on.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

And if you ain’t got money then he ain’t coming.
Nothing under your tree tonight!

And all I got was a charm bracelet with no charms.
And a discharged G.I. Joe with no arms.
And a drunk step dad. Man, I hate it here!
And mom got some cigarettes and half a case of beer.
We’re too poor for Christmas music. We A capella!
And our Christmas tree is just a busted umbrella.
With a bunch of junk glued to it. This shit is useless!
And Ravi said: Santa also hates you if you’re Jewish.

[Chorus]
Santa must hate the poor kids.
‘Cause Santa only hangs with the rich, sing it.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

And if you ain’t got money then he ain’t coming.
Nothing under your tree tonight!
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

Fuck you Santa! You fat motherfucker!
How’d you get so big? You been drinking butter?
Always acting jolly, I ain’t buying into that.
And why you always trying to get kids to sit on your lap?
I heard you touch Scottish boys under the kilt.
Hey Fatty Clause! Stop eating my cookies and milk!
Or I’m going to go to the North Pole and enroll you in gym class.
And next year I’m leaving diet pills and Slim Fast.
You see me while I’m sleeping You creep me out.
And while you watching me why you got to take your penis out?
So bring it Santa! I’m not afraid to fight, bitch!
I’ll whoop you ass and take a shit on your nice list!
I want to take you out in the worst way.
If you’re a saint? Why’d you steal Jesus’ birthday?
So keep your dumb gifts Santa, we don’t need you!
And tell the Tooth Fairy, she’s a cheap bitch too!

[Chorus]
Santa Hates Poor Kids, come on.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

And if you ain’t got money then he ain’t coming.
Nothing under your tree tonight!
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

And God bless us everyone!
Shut the hell up Tiny Tim! You’re not helping!

To get more awesome funny vids just search for these guys: YOUR FAVORITE MARTIAN MUSIC

FUNNY BUT AWKWARD COMICS


So enough with the straight up dose of funny comics,lets spice up some humor with awkwaardness courtesy of channelate.com By Ryan Hudson.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut before that here is a little insight on why men still don’t get women

WOMEN LOGIC

Now back to being AWKWARD:

HIGHSCHOOL

THE MORGUE

OPPOSITE DAY

LIFE’S LESSONS: CHANGING TIRES

PROBLEM WITH OPEN RELATIONSHIPS:

P.S TODAY WAS MY CLOSEST FRIENDS BIRTHDAY: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SANDRA ODUNDO 😀

EPIC: BEER RUN


So am sure you Party Creatures of the night will agree when i say sometimes certain nights end up way more exciting than anyone could have anticipated and though such nights may have their lows,”For Sure” the High (PUN INTENDED) points were worth it 🙂

 

while most of you still digest that whole night let me fill your visual senses with the most ironic,awkward and downright funny images i found on the inter-web…

“AWKWARD”?
DOWNRIGHT SAD :}

 

THE TRUTH: CAN YOU HANDLE IT?


So the general ideologies of everyone at some point of their lives get threatened,shaken and at worst CHANGED,since after all the basic concept that we consider “THE TRUTH” only remains to be irrefutable until some other concept or belief is introduced and as such “The TRUH” gets redifined i.e The world was belived to be flat until someone else proved that it was spherical in nature…as such its not too much too hope that This Illegal and wrongly termed drug that is known as Marijuana will be later understood to be a herb and less of a harm than Ciggarettes(I henceforth declare that the before mentioned statement is hypothetical and the author may/may not agree with it :D)

So anyway back to the funny stuff 🙂

DEAR PARENTS,THIS IS THE TRUTH:

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE JOKER:

THE TRUTH ABOUT WOMEN(or rather the lack of understanding them)

yes doreen,this might be you

THE TRUTH ABOUT “THE BIG QUESTION” :DO THESE PANTS MAKE MY BUT LOOK BIG

THE TRUTH ABOUT MY PERSONALITY

THE TRUTH ABOUT ME AFTER A HORROR MOVIE

T.V 101


So generally am guessing everyone by now has already stocked up on tonnes of movie viewership and as such should realize that our survival skills have been greatly expanded through learning what NOT to do in extreme danger scenarios such as Zombie End of the world Times,Cases where conspiracies arise and you end up like Jason Bourne, what to do when dealing with a life situation that was taken directly out of a horror movie script…no..no..no,i am not even going to indulge in Romantic movies coz all they do is just teach emotionally overloaded viewers how to CRY with a tub of ice-cream this is NOT helpful when a horde of zombies want to snack on your brains, IS IT?…am just saying.

So again thanks to the inter-web and those crazy stoners at college humor,i am about to add onto the already existing knowledge of the T.V Phenomena…

Speaking of stoners i just had to share this awesome FATHER-SON MOMENT, it totally blew me away 🙂

FATHER-SON MOMENT OF THE YEAR

Now back on track,welcome to the T.V 101 Class 🙂

Am certain if you follow these procedures SURVIVAL will be certainly guaranteed :)… VIVA LA T.V

UNITED WE STAND


WHY GUYS ARE AWESOME ?

1: Their last name stays with them forever,
2: Phone conversations last just for 30 secs flat,
3: A five day vacation requires only one jeans,
4: If someone forgets to invite them, he can still be their friend,
5: The same hair style lasts for years or even decades,
6: They can do shopping for 25 relatives in 25 minutes,
7: They don’t freak out when they go to a party n see another man wearing the
same shirt, instead they become buddies! 😀

IF YOU STILL DOUBT THIS UNDENIABLE TRUTH,THEN HERE ARE FACTS:

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Exhibit C:i just felt like adding this :p

 

REASONS WHY NOT TO BE A HERO::BIBLICAL::


So incase of TE END OF THE WORLD scenarios i would direct you to my other posts:

https://schizoidlawi.wordpress.com/2011/05/05/rules-to-survive-zombie-land/

https://schizoidlawi.wordpress.com/2011/05/05/rules-to-survive-zombie-land/

and now to end this END OF THE WORLD CHAPTER i would love to impart on you some advice that will be valuable when the time doth come to ensure your survival 😀

QUICK WIT


Work Sayings

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be…?

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, and disorder — my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

Rights of this humor are credited to http://yougottobekidding.wordpress.com/2011/09/03/work-sayings-2/

‘What THEY think YOU should know’


So after extensive research, and concentrating on more important things than the cure to HIV/AIDS or Cancer the following compilation was reached for the better good of the Human Populus(Meaning you and me :p ),so read and be enlightened coz some of this stuff is actually…interesting :

The word “queue” is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.

Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.

Of all the words in the English language, the word ‘set’ has the most definitions!

What is called a “French kiss” in the English speaking world is known as an “English kiss” in France.

“Almost” is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

“Rhythm” is the longest English word without a vowel.

In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath

It’s against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland!

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, everytime you breathe!

The elephant is the only mammal that can’t jump!

One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!

Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different!

The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667, when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young man

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!

The present population of 5 billion plus people of the world is predicted to become 15 billion by 2080.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.

More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.

The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.

More people are allergic to cow’s milk than any other food.

Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

The placement of a donkey’s eyes in its’ heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!

The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.

Earth is the only planet not named after a god.

It’s against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.

You’re born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you only have 206.

Some worms will eat themselves if they can’t find any food!

Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open – DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds

Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not

Slugs have 4 noses.

Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years – I think i like that special number 😉

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

The average person laughs 10 times a day!

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain