Tag Archives: EVIL

Santa, You Are Wasting Your Life

REGRET EVERYTHING Santa, You Are Wasting Your Life - Image 1

Dear Santa:

Here is my annual letter, sent in the very unlikely but still possible case that you actually exist. As I state every year, please consider changing careers. I suggest either taking over the post office of every country in the world, or perhaps running a spy agency, or founding a year-round toy manufacturing center. As it stands, you are wasting your life.

Your current vocation — giving gifts to the children of the world once a year — frankly creates more harm than good. It certainly sounds like a noble mission. However, in execution, there are severe limitations. You favor families of the western hemisphere, mostly of a Christian heritage, and of those primarily the wealthy ones. Speaking candidly, you’re a right-wing capitalist Bible nut, and I fear you are fanning flames of jealousy and partisan hate.

But I’m not here to lecture. Your politics and religious views are your own. Besides, you’re clearly a man of enormous talents and I think you could better help the world while also still honoring your child-centered consumerist moral agenda.


The ability to visit every home in the world on a single night means you could easily take over the post offices of every single country on Earth and improve it. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you the value to society of a well-operating information infrastructure (Lewis Mumford’s theories of urban development, etc). With your help, you could improve communication among citizens and businesses of all nations overnight. We could see a bump in the world economy similar to that of the early ’90s after e-mail became prevalent. Even if you only wanted to deliver to kids: it’d be weird, but still a help.

REGRET EVERYTHING Santa, You Are Wasting Your Life - Image 2

Second, your intelligence agency is second to none. To know the misdeeds of every child on earth speaks to a vast network of reliable spies as well as smoothly operating database of information. If you could direct this organization at eliminating military terrorist organizations, the stability of the world’s governments could increase to heretofore unknown levels of safety and peace. With your uncanny ability to assess people’s moral character (see: naughtiness, niceness) I would trust your judgment in picking what governments you’d deal with. No comment here, except to say I would not automatically give poor countries the short shrift.


Finally, your acumen as a toy manufacturer is astounding. The variety of toys you are able to make — from wooden trains to the SIM cards needed for modern Apple phones — is frankly Herculean in its impressiveness. But why run this factory only once a year? An economy is easiest to manage during growth. If you could sell toys on even a quarterly basis you could be single biggest boost to the global economy since the assembly line. Hey, this would favor rich people — something you love.

At any rate, only operating once a year regardless of your chosen profession is a true waste. For all its many faults, Christmas inspires people to behave better and give more generously. Why not appear more often? Even twice a year could make this world a happier place. Also happiness studies show that people respond best to routines. The stop-start nature of your lifestyle isn’t just hurting the world, it’s hurting you. I refer you to the self-help books The Power of HabitThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and also I may diplomatically suggest The Atkins Diet.

At any rate, please consider changing careers. You’re throwing your life away when it could be spent doing so much more.

This is of course assuming you exist, which I’m almost but not totally positive you do not.


If you do, please respond with the mailing addresses of: Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Superman. I know you’d have them.


Will Hines
Grown Man, Idiot


Photos appropriated from: http://naldzgraphics.net/inspirations/santa-claus-illustrations/



“Santa Hates Poor Kids”

I really hate it that my family’s poor! I really wish I was a rich kid.
’Cause they always get all the pimped gifts for Christmas.
Did I get a new Xbox? Fat chance!
While Billy gets a new pony and a lap dance.
Plus a tree house mansion and a jet ski.
How the hell did he get a pterodactyl? Gets me!
I thought Christmas was awesome, on and poppin.
’Till Jan got a slave and Google stock options.
And I don’t think you understand how it feels.
To see another kid roll up in his Bentley Power Wheels like:
“Look at my new ride; Santa just bought it.
He didn’t get you nothing ‘cause your mom’s an alcoholic.”
He’s right I got some underwear used by my brother.
I’m like Oliver Twist, “Please may I have another?”
I opened up a present, and found an eviction notice!
Man, fuck you Santa! We’re spending Christmas with the homeless!

Santa must hate the poor kids.
‘Cause Santa only hangs with the rich, come on.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

And if you ain’t got money then he ain’t coming.
Nothing under your tree tonight!

And all I got was a charm bracelet with no charms.
And a discharged G.I. Joe with no arms.
And a drunk step dad. Man, I hate it here!
And mom got some cigarettes and half a case of beer.
We’re too poor for Christmas music. We A capella!
And our Christmas tree is just a busted umbrella.
With a bunch of junk glued to it. This shit is useless!
And Ravi said: Santa also hates you if you’re Jewish.

Santa must hate the poor kids.
‘Cause Santa only hangs with the rich, sing it.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

And if you ain’t got money then he ain’t coming.
Nothing under your tree tonight!
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

Fuck you Santa! You fat motherfucker!
How’d you get so big? You been drinking butter?
Always acting jolly, I ain’t buying into that.
And why you always trying to get kids to sit on your lap?
I heard you touch Scottish boys under the kilt.
Hey Fatty Clause! Stop eating my cookies and milk!
Or I’m going to go to the North Pole and enroll you in gym class.
And next year I’m leaving diet pills and Slim Fast.
You see me while I’m sleeping You creep me out.
And while you watching me why you got to take your penis out?
So bring it Santa! I’m not afraid to fight, bitch!
I’ll whoop you ass and take a shit on your nice list!
I want to take you out in the worst way.
If you’re a saint? Why’d you steal Jesus’ birthday?
So keep your dumb gifts Santa, we don’t need you!
And tell the Tooth Fairy, she’s a cheap bitch too!

Santa Hates Poor Kids, come on.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

And if you ain’t got money then he ain’t coming.
Nothing under your tree tonight!
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

And God bless us everyone!
Shut the hell up Tiny Tim! You’re not helping!

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Professor :You are a Christian, aren’t you, son?

Student : Yes, sir.

So, you believe in GOD?

Student :
Absolutely, sir.

Professor :
Is GOD good?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD all powerful?

Student :

My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent.)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

Student : Yes.

Is satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them ?

(Student had no answer.)

Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Professor :
According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student :
And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student :
Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student :
You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class was in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter. )

Student :
Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.


That student was Albert Einstein.