Santa, You Are Wasting Your Life

REGRET EVERYTHING Santa, You Are Wasting Your Life - Image 1

Dear Santa:

Here is my annual letter, sent in the very unlikely but still possible case that you actually exist. As I state every year, please consider changing careers. I suggest either taking over the post office of every country in the world, or perhaps running a spy agency, or founding a year-round toy manufacturing center. As it stands, you are wasting your life.

Your current vocation — giving gifts to the children of the world once a year — frankly creates more harm than good. It certainly sounds like a noble mission. However, in execution, there are severe limitations. You favor families of the western hemisphere, mostly of a Christian heritage, and of those primarily the wealthy ones. Speaking candidly, you’re a right-wing capitalist Bible nut, and I fear you are fanning flames of jealousy and partisan hate.

But I’m not here to lecture. Your politics and religious views are your own. Besides, you’re clearly a man of enormous talents and I think you could better help the world while also still honoring your child-centered consumerist moral agenda.


The ability to visit every home in the world on a single night means you could easily take over the post offices of every single country on Earth and improve it. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you the value to society of a well-operating information infrastructure (Lewis Mumford’s theories of urban development, etc). With your help, you could improve communication among citizens and businesses of all nations overnight. We could see a bump in the world economy similar to that of the early ’90s after e-mail became prevalent. Even if you only wanted to deliver to kids: it’d be weird, but still a help.

REGRET EVERYTHING Santa, You Are Wasting Your Life - Image 2

Second, your intelligence agency is second to none. To know the misdeeds of every child on earth speaks to a vast network of reliable spies as well as smoothly operating database of information. If you could direct this organization at eliminating military terrorist organizations, the stability of the world’s governments could increase to heretofore unknown levels of safety and peace. With your uncanny ability to assess people’s moral character (see: naughtiness, niceness) I would trust your judgment in picking what governments you’d deal with. No comment here, except to say I would not automatically give poor countries the short shrift.


Finally, your acumen as a toy manufacturer is astounding. The variety of toys you are able to make — from wooden trains to the SIM cards needed for modern Apple phones — is frankly Herculean in its impressiveness. But why run this factory only once a year? An economy is easiest to manage during growth. If you could sell toys on even a quarterly basis you could be single biggest boost to the global economy since the assembly line. Hey, this would favor rich people — something you love.

At any rate, only operating once a year regardless of your chosen profession is a true waste. For all its many faults, Christmas inspires people to behave better and give more generously. Why not appear more often? Even twice a year could make this world a happier place. Also happiness studies show that people respond best to routines. The stop-start nature of your lifestyle isn’t just hurting the world, it’s hurting you. I refer you to the self-help books The Power of HabitThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and also I may diplomatically suggest The Atkins Diet.

At any rate, please consider changing careers. You’re throwing your life away when it could be spent doing so much more.

This is of course assuming you exist, which I’m almost but not totally positive you do not.


If you do, please respond with the mailing addresses of: Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Superman. I know you’d have them.


Will Hines
Grown Man, Idiot

Photos appropriated from:




I know, i know for some of you the end of the world came and passed as a result you should now consider yourselves..uhmmm for luck of a better word..UNWANTED by HEAVEN’S Pearly gates,this was a pre-written  post that was meant to go up on the day after…so if you are reading this,i am either know…Upstairs(HEAVEN) or maybe am just hoping someone can get me tissue in the toilet.

I know you are wondering why are you still here well its simple…THE ILLUMINATI(yup this word has been used more than any tissue rolls…which by the way am still waiting for,can anyone help me out)…Yup they have brainwashed you with their awesome beats and catchy songs such as the recently remixed “Hey i just met you and this is crazy,so here’s my number, M-PESA maybe!” to a point you won’t want to believe any warnings you get…but hey don’t listen to me am strung up on coffee and *hint*hint* still waiting for that roll of soft heavenly bliss.

So i figured why not do a brief History on all the signs of the APOCALYPSE:


Is there a pattern?
Is there a pattern?

P.S: There are certainly other movies am sure you are screaming in you head already that are not here,well go write your own blog about them,and for those of you judging my writing well to hell with you(literally)…The opinions of this blog are solely those of the writer and as such you can’t change them(well how do you like that)


“Santa Hates Poor Kids”

I really hate it that my family’s poor! I really wish I was a rich kid.
’Cause they always get all the pimped gifts for Christmas.
Did I get a new Xbox? Fat chance!
While Billy gets a new pony and a lap dance.
Plus a tree house mansion and a jet ski.
How the hell did he get a pterodactyl? Gets me!
I thought Christmas was awesome, on and poppin.
’Till Jan got a slave and Google stock options.
And I don’t think you understand how it feels.
To see another kid roll up in his Bentley Power Wheels like:
“Look at my new ride; Santa just bought it.
He didn’t get you nothing ‘cause your mom’s an alcoholic.”
He’s right I got some underwear used by my brother.
I’m like Oliver Twist, “Please may I have another?”
I opened up a present, and found an eviction notice!
Man, fuck you Santa! We’re spending Christmas with the homeless!

Santa must hate the poor kids.
‘Cause Santa only hangs with the rich, come on.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

And if you ain’t got money then he ain’t coming.
Nothing under your tree tonight!

And all I got was a charm bracelet with no charms.
And a discharged G.I. Joe with no arms.
And a drunk step dad. Man, I hate it here!
And mom got some cigarettes and half a case of beer.
We’re too poor for Christmas music. We A capella!
And our Christmas tree is just a busted umbrella.
With a bunch of junk glued to it. This shit is useless!
And Ravi said: Santa also hates you if you’re Jewish.

Santa must hate the poor kids.
‘Cause Santa only hangs with the rich, sing it.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

And if you ain’t got money then he ain’t coming.
Nothing under your tree tonight!
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

Fuck you Santa! You fat motherfucker!
How’d you get so big? You been drinking butter?
Always acting jolly, I ain’t buying into that.
And why you always trying to get kids to sit on your lap?
I heard you touch Scottish boys under the kilt.
Hey Fatty Clause! Stop eating my cookies and milk!
Or I’m going to go to the North Pole and enroll you in gym class.
And next year I’m leaving diet pills and Slim Fast.
You see me while I’m sleeping You creep me out.
And while you watching me why you got to take your penis out?
So bring it Santa! I’m not afraid to fight, bitch!
I’ll whoop you ass and take a shit on your nice list!
I want to take you out in the worst way.
If you’re a saint? Why’d you steal Jesus’ birthday?
So keep your dumb gifts Santa, we don’t need you!
And tell the Tooth Fairy, she’s a cheap bitch too!

Santa Hates Poor Kids, come on.
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

And if you ain’t got money then he ain’t coming.
Nothing under your tree tonight!
Santa Hates Poor Kids.

And God bless us everyone!
Shut the hell up Tiny Tim! You’re not helping!

To get more awesome funny vids just search for these guys: YOUR FAVORITE MARTIAN MUSIC


I know,i know,i have been m.i.a for a while but really you guys should understand that i was in the Kenyan style,infamous ALCATRAZ: a.k.a Daystar,which is remotely far and plus i was just plain lazy or per-occupied to post quality stuff…anyway enough with the jabber and lets get back to the funny:

horror 3

hehehe you didnt see that coming...DID YOU?
hehehe you didnt see that coming…DID YOU?

I know most of you are enjoying the holidays but i have to say there are times when school really is best:

The only time ... STUDYING IS FUN
The only time … STUDYING IS FUN


So basing this post on my recent FIFA gameplay eperience courtesy of Gamer’s Pound see:…..i realised that all gamers eventual go through tht rage phase where the new game you are playing clearly outlines how really bad you are and as such end up discrediting really good games all to save face.So here is the basic symptom guide to detect early Rage phases:

Didn’t think i would forget to add that extra twisted humor that you guys read my blog for:

MEANWHILE in light of the political scene:

Moving On Up

So the main concensus that me and the voices in my head have reached is that we need money and though we might have ventured on some very barren and even at times illegal business opportunities we have decided to settle on a shirt printing idea…you know print actual FUNNY and AWESOME shirts that will be unique to only the buyer…as well as Football Jerseys (there shall be a discount for Chelsea fans).

Right now this plan is still in its infancy stage and all support i.e Orders from you shall be heavily welcomed as well as any help you think you can offer will be great…There will be an updated post containing prices so keep checking the blog…aight 🙂

Some of the designs are like the ones below:

The Grammar will kill you if the humor doesn't (O_O)