The Best Metal Albums of 2013 (in Order of How Afraid I Am of the Cover)

From Jake Fertig

10. Vastum – Patricidal Lust

Coming right out of the gate you know you’re gonna love this because there’s a big-ass bat on the cover

9. Svart Crown – Profane

This is a very good album about how a guy’s mom was mean

8. Red Fang – Whales and Leeches

You can tell this one is good because of the evil rainforest

7. Cara Neir – Portals to a Better, Dead World

This album is great for everyone who would prefer to be dead

6. Noisem – Agony Defined

Don’t be fooled by the “basic” blood pentagrams this band has a very deep skull collection

5. TOAD – Endless Night

A lesser band puts stir fry on the cover but a good metal record will make that wok a cauldron of hellfire

4. Ruins of Beverast – Blood Vaults: The Blazing Gospel of Heinrich Kramer

A rule of thumb for metal is that if Evil Yoda is having a bad time you’re gonna have a good time

3. Satan – Life Sentence

We are all thankful that the band originally called Seitan realized their preference for Lucifer over tofu

2. Cerekloth – In the Midst of Life We Are in Death

This album is all about rebelling against institutions and dental appointments

1. Obscure Sphinx – Void Mother

When it comes to scaring me into liking your record, two glass eyes are better than one.

Missed the Cut:


Deafheaven – Sunbather



This looks soft as hell


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