Here is my annual letter, sent in the very unlikely but still possible case that you actually exist. As I state every year, please consider changing careers. I suggest either taking over the post office of every country in the world, or perhaps running a spy agency, or founding a year-round toy manufacturing center. As it stands, you are wasting your life.
Your current vocation — giving gifts to the children of the world once a year — frankly creates more harm than good. It certainly sounds like a noble mission. However, in execution, there are severe limitations. You favor families of the western hemisphere, mostly of a Christian heritage, and of those primarily the wealthy ones. Speaking candidly, you’re a right-wing capitalist Bible nut, and I fear you are fanning flames of jealousy and partisan hate.
But I’m not here to lecture. Your politics and religious views are your own. Besides, you’re clearly a man of enormous talents and I think you could better help the world while also still honoring your child-centered consumerist moral agenda.
The ability to visit every home in the world on a single night means you could easily take over the post offices of every single country on Earth and improve it. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you the value to society of a well-operating information infrastructure (Lewis Mumford’s theories of urban development, etc). With your help, you could improve communication among citizens and businesses of all nations overnight. We could see a bump in the world economy similar to that of the early ’90s after e-mail became prevalent. Even if you only wanted to deliver to kids: it’d be weird, but still a help.
Second, your intelligence agency is second to none. To know the misdeeds of every child on earth speaks to a vast network of reliable spies as well as smoothly operating database of information. If you could direct this organization at eliminating military terrorist organizations, the stability of the world’s governments could increase to heretofore unknown levels of safety and peace. With your uncanny ability to assess people’s moral character (see: naughtiness, niceness) I would trust your judgment in picking what governments you’d deal with. No comment here, except to say I would not automatically give poor countries the short shrift.
Finally, your acumen as a toy manufacturer is astounding. The variety of toys you are able to make — from wooden trains to the SIM cards needed for modern Apple phones — is frankly Herculean in its impressiveness. But why run this factory only once a year? An economy is easiest to manage during growth. If you could sell toys on even a quarterly basis you could be single biggest boost to the global economy since the assembly line. Hey, this would favor rich people — something you love.
At any rate, only operating once a year regardless of your chosen profession is a true waste. For all its many faults, Christmas inspires people to behave better and give more generously. Why not appear more often? Even twice a year could make this world a happier place. Also happiness studies show that people respond best to routines. The stop-start nature of your lifestyle isn’t just hurting the world, it’s hurting you. I refer you to the self-help books The Power of Habit, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and also I may diplomatically suggest The Atkins Diet.
At any rate, please consider changing careers. You’re throwing your life away when it could be spent doing so much more.
This is of course assuming you exist, which I’m almost but not totally positive you do not.
If you do, please respond with the mailing addresses of: Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Superman. I know you’d have them.
Grown Man, Idiot
Photos appropriated from: http://naldzgraphics.net/inspirations/santa-claus-illustrations/