“HOW NOT TO GET CAUGHT”


The following is completely fictional depending on how you use the information hereto relayed by the author, and thus the author shall not be legally bound by any illegal acts that may occur unless they are profit generating in some way, and as such the author reserves the right to claim 30% of whatever profits will be generated and all forms of donations will be highly appreciated.

1.HOW NOT TO GET CAUGHT : WHEN YOU COMMIT MURDER

All right, way too many of you people have been arrested for murder lately and I’m starting to get a little pissed off. If this generation is gonna have a chance in hell of surviving in today’s brutal DNA-evidence-laden world, we’re gonna need to learn from the mistakes of Generation Manson and actually pull off a murder or three without leaving an evidence trail so obvious that Inspector Mwala could find us in the dark with an uncomfortable chunk of a frozen Mickey Mouse figurine wedged in his largest orifice and a pastrami sandwich in his pig-hoof-like hand. I’m sick of all this idiocy. People have been murdering people for tens of thousands of years and we don’t know how to do it by now? There’s no reason to get caught here, people. If you want to get away with murder, just follow these four rules.

Rule #1: Choose your victims wisely.

The Green River Killer managed to kill, like, eighty people without getting caught (until he turned himself in) simply because he followed this rule to a tee. His victims were all prostitutes and prostitutes all fall into the Preferred Victim category for the following reasons: they are easy to abduct and lure into poorly-lit areas, they can be gone for more than a few days before anyone bothers to report them missing, and they are typically light and easy to carry. The Green River Killer also followed Rule 2 as well.

Rule #2: Choose your burial sites wisely.

Outline of a car in chalkI live in Kenya, and there is no end to quality places to dump bodies around here. There are oceans, estuaries, rivers, and even the freaking semi-arid desert that is Daystar Athi- River, where a plane once crashed carrying 73 people and not even a tooth was found after the search. And yet still, week after week, I read about bodies turning up in parks, trunks of cars, even beneath houses. For crying out loud people, use the land that God gave you. Make that body disappear. No body, no murder. Really, how hard is this?

Rule #3: After using the weapon, destroy it.

This is the rule that the dumb-ass crackheads always ignore. They think that they shouldn’t destroy the gun with which they killed their brother (so they could rob him and buy crack) because they can pawn it or sell it on the streets (so they can buy crack). After the murder is committed, the weapon is a major liability. Anyone who hangs on to a $500 gun rather than risk the beauties of freedom is an idiot. Please, don’t be that idiot. Anything worth doing is worth doing right.

Rule #4: Don’t have a typical motive.

Only murder people you barely know for reasons no one can understand. Is there absolutely no reason for you to murder the check-out clerk at the grocery mart? If yes, then she’s your gal. Don’t murder people who make you mad or inflict pain upon you. Let them live long lives—believe me, it’s the best form of revenge.

And that about wraps it up there people. Remember, murder is like anything else in life. It’s not very difficult, but it has to be done just right or you’ll end up in jail.

RULE #5: Watch plenty of Movies

This will help you when you dont have any creative ideas that you might want to employ.

2. HOW NOT TO GET CAUGHT: HOW TO BE A DRUG DEALER

Every person on planet Earth (and there are no exceptions), at some point in time, has wanted to be a drug dealer. Let’s face it, it’s a great gig. Drug dealers are their own bosses, they work their own hours, and they make decent coin. I mean really, how can you beat that gig? You can’t, dammit. You just can’t.

So, because back in the day, before I turned eighteen and after I hit puberty, I may have fractured an occasional law or three when it came to the dispensing of illegal narcotics, I can tell you honestly how to get into the lucrative career that is drug dealing. Sing it with me now, “I’m here to help.” I’m making the world a better place, one column at a time. It takes a village and all that.

A Drug Dealer’s Checklist
Use the list below to help you prepare.
Find a lawyer as soon as possible.
Raise 5000KSHS cash for initial supply.
Get a reliable cell phone.
Secure your stash at all times.
Safeguard your privacy/identity.
Apply for health insurance, aka “fight protection.”

Step 1: Locate your Clientele

If you attend high school or college, and you can’t locate your clientele, you either live in the most backwater place imaginable or you are a total moron, and I am honestly surprised you can read.

If you do not attend college or high school, my advice to you is to find the nearest college or high school and keep your ears open. Eventually, you will hear kids talking about this one guy they know (and yes, it’s usually a guy) who does more drugs than anyone they’ve ever seen. After you hear this name a few hundred times, you can be dead sure that you’ve found your new friend for life. Find this guy and hang out. I guarantee you, he’ll be fun to party with, and he’ll be the key to getting into the softer side of the business (selling at schools, parties, friends’ houses, etc.).

Please do not go out to bars or rougher parts of town and try to sell anything. You’ve got a lot to learn before you can get there.

Also, please note: Primal Urges is not responsible. For anything. Ever.

Step 2: Buy and Use

To become a successful drug dealer, you must first become a successful drug purchaser. Purchase and use as many drugs as you can find. Once your name becomes synonymous with drug use, people will begin approaching you and asking you to share the wealth.

At this point, you can go back to your supplier and have him or her (but I mean, come on, it’s almost always a him) provide you with more drugs at a discounted price. You don’t need a roadmap from there.

Step 3: Buy a Safe

Not just any safe—a big, heavy sucker that no stoner could possibly move. Throw everything of value into that safe. Dealers get robbed. A lot.

Now, after you have followed these steps, you should have no problem selling drugs to any human. However, there are still some rules you need to keep in mind. As I have said on more occasions than I can count (mainly because I can’t do math) over the last few years, you gotta have rules.

Here are the top ten rules to being a drug dealer:

10. When introduced to a new client, never admit to having any drugs on you.

You have to always, “go get it from your friend.” You do this so that no one starts spreading rumors that you walk around with drugs on you. People who walk around with mass quantities of drugs on them get beaten and robbed. Shocking, I know.

9. When purchasing large amounts of drugs, you must make sure that the purchase takes place in the dealer’s home.

You do this so that everyone knows that you know where to go if you get stiffed. Basically, it’s just good to know where the guy (or girl) to whom you just paid ten grand happens to live.

8. When purchasing large amounts of drugs from a dealer’s home, show some tact and respect your dealer’s privacy.

Do not ask the dealer where he or she is from, or what his or her favorite hobbies are or anything like that. One of the reasons that movies and television always depict dealers and thieves having funny conversations about odd topics is because that’s all they can really talk about. They talk about TV, sports, the way the government fucks them over and where to get good food. They almost never talk about themselves. So don’t ask. You’ll only make them feel uncomfortable.

7. Know how to fight.

Or know a lot of people who do. (If you’re going to carry a weapon, at least read my guide on “How to Get Away with Murder“. You never know…)

6. Never front anything to anyone for any reason unless you would trust them to watch your house for an entire week.

I’m serious here. I mean, if you’re gonna front something to someone, you better wish you were related to that person. He or she better be the best person in the world.

5. Don’t drink much.

This is not a job for drunks. Drunks are sloppy.

4. If you get high off your product, make sure you’re only smoking profit.

Everyone knows this. Few people do it. Kinda like how people used to treat seatbelts back in the ‘60s. And we all know how important seatbelts turned out to be.

3. Don’t get pets and little kids high.

This one really isn’t a rule for dealers, so much as it is just an opinion of mine that needs to be voiced. Leave the animals and children alone. Trust me, they don’t need to be any dumber.

2. If ever arrested, don’t say a thing until advised by a lawyer.

And never rat. There is nothing worse than a rat.

1. Don’t get a boyfriend/girlfriend who is a total druggie.

Not only will you never know if you can trust or love him or her, you also will be losing money when he or she steals products from you. It’s a lose-lose relationship. Kinda like the US in the World Cup.

Drug dealing is a great profession, but like all great professions, there are more applicants than successful professionals. If you really want to make money as a drug dealer, you can do it. But you must follow the rules. Remember, the rules exist for your benefit. Now, I hate to sound all condescending and preachy but folks, you just gotta respect the rules.

Especially if you want to be a drug dealer.

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