The Ultimate Opposite of a Lie


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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